Friday, June 28, 2013

Ten Signs Your Spouse's "Reparative Therapy" Didn't Take.

Between the end of the Defense of Marriage Act, the resumption of same-sex marriage in California, and the folding of Exodus International, people whose spouses have gone through the thoroughly debunked "reparative therapy" in a futile attempt to cure themselves of "the Gay" might be thinking how glad they are that they got in just under the wire.  However, these folks may want to take close watch of the person they're sharing their beds with.  As a guide, I offer these symptoms of "the Gay" that may indicate that your significant other may not be the "ex-Gay" that you think they are.  To be fair I'm going to provide two lists.  One for men, and one for women.

10 Signs Your Husband's Reparative Therapy Didn't Take

  1. In the shower, he sings every lyric, note, and nuance of The Weather Girls' "It's Raining Men" from start to finish.
  2. On Father's Day when all of the other dads break out the grill, he breaks out your daughter's Easy-Bake Oven.
  3. He keeps inviting your son's friends over to watch him drop the soap.
  4. As he's looking through your Victoria's Secret catalog, you hear him utter under his breath, "Damn, I'd look FIERCE in that."
  5. He keeps eyeing your "personal massager" with that "special longing".
  6. While everyone else is watching football, he spends his Sundays binge-watching "The Golden Girls".
  7. On family drives he pops in a Classic House CD and wistfully remembers the good ol' days when he was "young and slutty".
  8. During love making you're positive you hear the phrase "spank me daddy"...and it didn't come from you.
  9. On plane trips he has to visit every mens' room between airport security and the terminal.
  10. He thinks Vin Diesel CAN ACT!

10 Signs Your Wife's Reparative Therapy Didn't Take
  1. She's been in a deep depression ever since Floetry broke up.
  2. She looks better in your flannel shirts that you do.
  3. Rachael Maddow has already taken out 3 restraining orders on her for stalking.
  4. After a frantic search for your Lesbian porn, you finally find it in her laptop computer.
  5. YOU notice lipstick on HER collar.
  6. Her iPod playlist consists almost exclusively of Grace Jones and Melissa Etheridge.
  7. As she and her "best girlfriend" are primping in your bedroom, you hear the sound of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" punctuated by orgasmic squealing.
  8. During sex she insists upon a copy of your Penthouse magazine as a visual aid.
  9. The only time she wears the expensive perfume you bought her for her birthday is when your SISTER comes to visit.
  10. She insists on taking a bottle of Cold Duck and a tin of oysters when you go to see your MOTHER.