Thursday, August 1, 2013

My Advice To Anthony Weiner: Just Do It

Anthony Weiner's dream of becoming mayor of New York is quickly becoming a nightmare because of new revelations of inappropriate on-line relationships.  It turns out that he was still sending out pics of his "Weiner" even after his disgraceful exit from the House of Representatives when these allegations first surfaced.  The really sad thing is that this is how Weiner will ultimately go out...over pictures.  No sex.  Just...pictures.

Bill Clinton.  You remember him, don't you?  He was the one who famously coined the phrase "I did not have sexual relations with that woman", said woman being Monica Lewinsky.  Now while some people don't consider what he did to be actual sex in the strictest technical sense.  However, since there was contact between her facial orifice and his genitalia resulting in the release of a certain bodily fluid which would land on a certain blue dress, well...that sort of fits the definition of "sexual relations".  That lie, such as it was, got him impeached.

Anthony Weiner really did not have sexual relations of any kind with any of these women.  Not even a peep.  Just pictures.

Mark Sanford went missing from his post as governor of South Carolina.  Literally, he disappeared for five days from the state without a trace, telling no one where he was.  Not his staff, not even his family.  He returned with the excuse that he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail", when the truth is he was in Argentina vising his "soul-mate" (and soon to be fiancĂ©) Maria Belen Chapur.  He was forced to resign from office.

There doesn't seem to be an "Appalachian Trail" in the Weiner scandal, and while some of the pics he's been texting may have made their way to Argentina, he, at least in this case, hasn't.

John Edwards, the bullet we dodged in 2008, ended up with a love child with his mistress and forced his campaign operatives to cover it up, all while his wife was dying of cancer.  At the same time he was blasting Clinton for his affair, Newt Gingrich was cheating on his second wife with the (space alien?) woman who is now his third wife.  Former Nevada Senator John Ensign was cheating with the wife of his former top aide, and got mommy and daddy to pay hush money to cover it up.  Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy was forced to come out as a "Gay American" after his down-low that he hooked up with a job started blackmailing him.  Larry Craig was caught cruising for guys in an airport mens' room.  Elliot Spitzer was caught with hookers.  David Vitter was caught with hookers...IN A DIAPER.

All of these sex scandals have resulted in various degrees of consequence for the men caught up in them,  ranging from extreme to almost none.  John Edwards will never see another day in politics, while Larry Craig will forever be known for his "wide stance".  Meanwhile Clinton left office with a higher approval rating than before the Lewinsky scandal started, and Sanford was just elected Senator.  However, consequences not withstanding the one thing that all of them (with the probable exception of Larry Craig) have in common is that there was actual sex involved.  Anthony Weiner...none...zero...zilch...not a damn thing.

I don't know how Anthony Weiner gets off by sending pictures of his "weiner" to anonymous women, or why it's such a big thrill for him.  Then again I'm in no position judge.  I like to tongue-kiss grown men and collect Gay porn.  But if Weiner's political career is destined to become as worthless as a Paula Deen McDonald's franchise, it shouldn't be because of...pictures.  My advice to Anthony Weiner, just do it already.

Dude, call up one of these fantasy booty-calls you've been "sexting", find a hotel somewhere, and just hook up.  If the wife gets mad, just tell her it's to save your political career.  Personally, I think the reason this scandal is pissing people off isn't because you're a low-down, dirty, lying, nasty, skeezy, skeevy little perv.  It's because you start something with these women, and you don't finish it.  Like most politicians, you tantalize and titillate and dangle your "promises" in front of them, only to leave them let down and unsatisfied. 

This lack of follow-through is fatal to politicians, and I believe it's proving fatal to Mr. Weiner.  Having actual sex with one of these women can't possibly do any more damage than what he's been doing so far, and it may even help.  Look at Clinton.  Look at Sanford.  Look at all of the other guys who "got off" Scott-free after their infidelities became public and are now living happily ever after.  Apparently, real sex isn't the worse thing you can do in politics.  After all, it was Freud who said that the only deviate sex is no sex at all.