Friday, December 20, 2013

Dear Duck Dynasty Family, Please Take These Shows With You. Thanks, America.

First, an update.  After A&E suspended DD patriarch Phil Robertson for racist homophobic comments made in an interview with GQ Magazine (and when was the last time anyone read GQ anyway?) social media was ablaze with rightie outrage and the idiot claim that Robertson's "free speech is endangered".  Of course, those of us who do not spend our days and nights having Fox News feed talking points directly into our synapses realize that A&E's move, whether you agree with it or not, was not done on some moral or ideological grounds.  Like the firing of Martin Bashir last month by MSNBC, this was merely a business decision.  Now this may be lost on folks whose business acumen extends about as far as the price of their next meth-hit, but not every reaction to something you say is a free-speech issue.  Be that as it may, here's the latest from our beleaguered gang of rednecks.

"We have had a successful working relationship with A&E but, as a family, we cannot imagine the show going forward without our patriarch at the helm. We are in discussions with A&E to see what that means for the future of Duck Dynasty. Again, thank you for your continued support of our family."
Now we all know that A&E isn't about to give up this cash cow, no matter how outrageous their statements.  However, as we near the end of what may come to be known as "The Great Duck Dynasty Freak-Out", it occurs to me that if these guys were to pack up their beards and go home, there are plenty of reality shows that we'd be more than grateful if they would follow the Robertsons out the same door.  Here are a few of the more egregious examples whose demise we'd all happily celebrate, not because of anything they've said or done, but because with their departure the collective IQ of the country might increase just enough for folks to realize that high ratings doesn't necessarily mean the world is laughing with them, but laughing at them.
  • Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo - If southern Whites could possibly make a case for being negatively stereotyped, this show is it.  Honey Boo-Boo and Duck Dynasty are the White 21st century equivalent to Steppin'-Fetchit.  Yet the very folks who are quick to cry "reverse racism" whenever their racism is called out gleefully proclaim that "these are people just like us." Black folk used to think characters on shows like "Good Times" and "Sanford and Son" were just like us, but that was when TV had very few other characters that looked like us.  And while I know how mean this is going to sound, I can't help but imagine that poor girl in 20 years or so, 30 pounds overweight, trying to work a stripper pole, sauntering up to desperate horny guys yelling, "I'm Honey Boo-Boo, chile."
  • The Real Housewives of Wherever - This is a show that begs the question.  How do you make it out of the ghetto or trailer park, come up to the big league, and still act like you live in a ghetto/trailer park?  Actually, I really shouldn't make such comparisons.  I've seen ghetto/trailer park sisters behave with far more class than these ladies.  Just proves that old saying, you can take the girl out of the ghetto, but then you gotta introduce them to your friends.
  • Any daytime talk-show that involves a paternity test, a polygraph, or a "girlfriend" who turns out to be a man. - Seriously after two minutes of watching these shows I literally start to feel my IQ points drain down my leg.  And fellas, if your girlfriend wakes you up one morning and just out of the blue suggests that you both see these shows live...RUN THE OTHER WAY.
  • Any show that calls itself a "talent competition". - Dancing With The Stars, American Idol, The Voice, The X-Factor.  These shows are not talent competitions, they're popularity contests.  No show where Bristol Palin is actually considered an "all-star" can posibly be based on talent.
  • The Bachelor/The Bachelorette - My biggest complaint about this show used to be that in it's 12 year existence there has been not one African-American Bachelor or Bachelorette.  But considering this shows track record (16 hook-ups, 0 actual marriages), and the fact that people would literally pimp themselves out to win the affections of some skinny, perfectly tanned, wonderfully coiffed sugar-daddy or arm-candy, frankly I'd feel ashamed to have anyone of my race even consider being remotely involved with this show.  Thanks, White America, but this is one you can leave us out of.
  • Any and all things Kardashian. - I've never understood America's fascination with the personal lives of vapid airhead know-nothings.  Then again, we have the population of an entire state that thought that Sarah Palin was smart enough to elect governor, so I guess you really can't go by me on this one.
  • WWE - News flash, America.  IT'S FAKE!
  • Finally, any show where people are dropped on an island, trapped in a building, locked in a mansion, or put out in a field to compete in some kind of mental "Hunger Games" contest. - Survivor was fun in the beginning because it was a one of a kind comtest.  Now you have these contest that run the gammut from mediocre (The Amazing Race) to "trying way too hard" (Whodunit).  It's really time to let this go.
I'll grant that this will make things rather difficult for the trailer park crowd who believe Obama is the love child of Satan, and are still mourning the cancellation of "Hee-Haw".  But since these people have been threatening to secede from the country anyway, maybe this will hasten their departure. 

Oh, we can only hope, can we?