Thursday, August 9, 2012

Romney and the GOP: F#ck Buddies Forever

Originally published in 07/18/12.

I want to talk to you about a kind of person that we’ve all had in our lives at one point or another, and may in some cases still be in our lives. This person fulfills a very specific need. We don’t talk about this person much, particularly if we have a significant other. Indeed, this is a person with whom we interact only when the need arises (and I mean that quite literally). We don’t consider this person a friend, although usually when they come around, we’re very happy to see them. And we’re just as happy when they leave, for they have served their function at least adequately. The politically correct term for this person is “friend with benefits”. However, I find that term to be somewhat inaccurate, as this person is hardly what one would consider a friend. I prefer the more succinct term, “fuck buddy”.

This is a person you hook up with on those occasions when you’re horny as hell, and looking for some non-committal, no strings attached, no fuss, no muss sex with someone whose HIV status is at least reasonably assured. The kind of relationship that you have with this person (or persons, as most people have more than one of these) is the kind where there’s no hanging out, no late night phone conversations, no expectations of monogamy, nothing that indicates that the relationship is anything more than purely sexual. As I indicated, we’ve all had these people in our lives. We may lose touch with them from time to time when we’re in committed relationships. We may even dump them altogether if we’re in a marriage. But they never really leave. And on those nights when you’re alone and your libido is screaming for some action, a good fuck buddy can make all the difference between a mildly satisfying lay, and an evening of internet porno while making love to a towel. Now before you judge harshly, shake your head and go ‘tsk, tsk’ consider this. If you’ve been in between relationships (and we’ve all been there) looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, I’m sure you realize how satisfying it is to have a Mr. or Mrs. Right Now on stand-by. And this brings me to the relationship between the GOP and Mitt Romney.

See, the GOP has spent the past two decades looking for their Mr. Right. That is, the second coming of Ronald Reagan. And throughout this period, they’ve settled for various fuck buddies like Bush I, Bob Dole, Bush II, and John McCain. This year, unable to find the Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet, they’ve chosen their latest Mr. Right Now in the form of Mitt Romney. Someone they’re not in love with, or even in “like” with. But they hope he will serve the purpose of sating their wanton desire to defeat President Obama. And he’s been a willing participant, contorting himself into all sorts of positions in order to satisfy their political desires, taking advice from the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump, and changing just about every position he’s ever held in the hopes of advancing from “fuck buddy” status to full on “boyfriend”. He’s changed from pro-choice to pro-life, pro-gay to anti-gay, and most glaringly from pro-individual health care mandate to anti-mandate. But alas, it would seem that this relationship may be nearing an end, or at the very least it’s in for a fundamental change.

Mitt Romney’s tax returns, or the lack thereof, have been the subject of much scrutiny over the past few weeks. So far he’s released only one year of returns (2010), and according to Huffington Post, those were incomplete. President Obama has been relentless in hitting Romney on this, as well as the Bain Capital thing, demanding that he release more of his returns. Releasing tax returns is nothing new. In 2008 then candidate Obama released 8 years of returns. His opponent, John McCain, released 7 years. Romney’s own father, George Romney, released 12 years in his run for the Oval Office. Mitt himself when being vetted for John McCain’s VP in 2008 gave him 23 years of returns. (Strangely enough McCain decided to go with Sarah Palin, which I’m sure is simply a coincidence (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).) But alas in 2012, fearing that the Obama campaign could possibly find something in his returns that they can use against them (like how much he REALLY paid in taxes), Romney has refused to release beyond 2011, which he promised to release sometime in September. This is causing speculation that is turning out to be even worse that what might actually be in the returns. You know the saying, “It’s not the crime, but the cover up that gets you in trouble.” This has become so troublesome that Romney’s GOP colleagues have joined Obama and the Democrats in calling for him to release more returns, to which he responds…
First of all, we've complied with the law. The law requires us to put out a full financial disclosure. That I've done. And then, in addition to that, I've already put out one year of tax returns. We'll put out the next year of tax returns as soon as the accountants have that ready. And that's what we're going to put out.
Don’t you just hate it when your fuck buddy suddenly develops self-respect? Mitt says he’s not going to “put out” anything past 2011. Could it be that he’s afraid of being seen for the money whore that he is?

If you’re reading this, Mr. Romney, let me ask you this. What exactly are you expecting from this relationship? Do you think that by standing up to Obama and refusing to release your tax returns the GOP will respect you in the morning? Do you think that getting booed at an NAACP convention is going to make the Tea Party want to take you out to dinner, buy you drinks, wake up with you in the morning and fix you pancakes? Seriously, Mitt, I think you’re overestimating this relationship. They’re just not into you. They don’t like you like that. Polls show that over 60% of the people voting for you aren’t doing it because they like you, but because they hate Obama. Grover Norquist probably has the best description yet for this relationship.
Pick a Republican with enough working digits to handle a pen to become president of the United States. This is a change for Republicans: the House and Senate doing the work with the president signing bills. His job is to be captain of the team, to sign the legislation that has already been prepared.
The only major difference between Mitt Romney and your average prostitute is that a prostitute’s worth to her John is between her legs, while Romney’s worth to the GOP is at the end of his arm. Mitt Romney isn’t a significant other to the GOP. He’s not a husband, a boyfriend, a lover. He’s not even a friend with benefits or a BFF. He's 10 working digits, a figurehead, a rubber stamp for the Norquist run congress. He’s just a half-step up from being a trick. Mitt Romney is exactly what the GOP needs for him to be at this moment…a fuck buddy, who will be dumped as soon as the right person comes along…perhaps in 2016.

Huffington Post – Mitt Romney Taxes for 2012 Not Fully Disclosed

Business Insider – Romney Says He Will Not Release Any More Tax Returns

The Daily Beast – Norquist: Romney Will Do As Told