Originally published in jawillie.blog.com 05/07/12
We’ve all heard about the so-called “Gay Agenda”. That’s the agenda that the “militant homosexual community” has to take over America and corrupt this nation’s youth with our debauchery and promiscuity. It’s an agenda that is dedicated to the destruction of the family and the ruination of heterosexual marriages (damn those Rent-Boys and gay masseuses), and is well known to just about everyone in the country…except Gays.
Obviously this agenda exists solely in the minds of right-wing so-called “Christians” who fear that their own sexuality is so weak and tenuous that it can be corrupted by just one viewing of “Modern Family”. After all, has anyone actually seen this agenda? I’m Gay, and I haven’t seen anything remotely resembling an agenda. Then again, I missed the last monthly meeting of “The Loyal Order of Militant Butt-Punchers and Muff-Divers” because I was busy ruining the sanctity of the marriage of Chris Humphries and Kim Kardashian (wink, wink).
As I ponder the question of this unseen “Gay Agenda”, what it’s all about, and if it even exists, it occurs to me that as a member of the militant homosexual community perhaps I should simply create one myself. So, in the interest of furthering our cause of corrupting minors, destroying marriage, and wanton sex worthy of the worst parts of Sodom and Gomorrah, here, my fellow sodomites and wool snackers, is the OFFICIAL GAY AGENDA.
Item 1 – All marriages, hetero or homo shall heretofore be performed by Little Richard. What better way to totally piss off the right wing homophobes than to have their nuptials performed by the gayest man on the planet, not to mention also being a Reverend. Besides which, the phrase “Tutti-Frutti” will take on a whole new meaning.
Item 2 – The new colors for the American Flag will be pink, turquoise, and fuchsia. I know, you’d probably pick that tired old rainbow flag, but seriously, don’t we see enough of that all year. Besides, I’m just dying to find out what turquoise and fuchsia look like.
Item 3 – The Statue of Liberty will be replaced by a Statue of RuPaul. They’re about the same height, and somehow I think that crown will look absolutely FIERCE on Ru.
Item 4 – The new faces on Mt. Rushmore: Barbara Streisand, Elton John, Patti Labelle, and Sylvester James. If that doesn’t make Michelle Bachmann’s head explode, nothing will.
Item 5 – Marcus Bachmann will be appointed as Secretary of Ex-Gay therapy. As insidious as this may sound, this simply means that he gets to sit in the “blow-job chair” at the local adult all-male theater, oddly enough, a job for which he may be uniquely qualified.
Item 6 – Man on Dog sex shall be legal. Not that I’m actually for this, I just want to really piss off Rick Santorum. And as a nod to Mitt Romney, said sexual activity must take place on the top of a station-wagon while driving from New York to California.
Item 7 – Rent Boy.com will be the official escort service for Congress. This is mainly for the GOP closet queens traveling abroad who need someone to “carry their sack”.
Item 8 – Ted Haggard, George Rekkers, and Eddie Long will all have their own church. Actually, they’ll all preach in the SAME church. Actually, it’ll be in the same bedroom, with all the gay masseurs and meth they can stand.
Item 9 – Bugs Bunny, Spongebob Square-Pants, and Josie and the Pussycats will be deemed educational television. Supplementary material to be provided by Bert and Ernie, Teletubbies, Penelope Pit-Stop, and Thelma from Scooby-Doo.
Item 10 – The Star-Spangled Banner shall be replaced by “It’s Raining Men” as our national anthem. Because you just can’t have a gay agenda without the exquisite tomes of Martha Wash and the late Izora Armstead.
So there you have it, the insidious Gay agenda to take over the country. And there’s even more to come. For as we speak, somewhere up in space the auto-workers whose jobs were saved by the auto bailout are busy working on a Gay Death-Star that will beam mind altering rays down upon the country turning everyone Gay. All a part of Obama’s secular socialist plan to keep Caucasians from reproducing, thus wiping out the entire race so that the Mau-Maus can take over an institute Gay Communist Sharia law across the land.