Thursday, June 12, 2014

BREAKING: Divorce Lawyers Expect Surge of Clients as "Opposite Marriages" Become Meaningless

With same-sex marriage bans being challenged, put on hold, or overturned altogether across the country (the latest being in Pennsylvania), divorce lawyers are gearing up for a surge of new clientele as heterosexual couples suddenly realize that the sanctity of their marriage has been diminished by "the Gay".

"We've been receiving a torrent of new calls from distraught couples," says I.M. Slyme of the law firm Dewey, Cheetem, and Howe. "After years and years of feeling so safe and secure in the knowledge that marriage is exclusive to them and them along, I'm getting calls from new clients (mostly men) who are now just saying 'f--k it, I'm done'."

In Oregon, where another same-sex marriage ban was declared unconstitutional, receptionists at the law firm Townsend, Rainer, Williams, Davis, Hamilton, etc., etc., etc., have been processing new clients non-stop, and for some it has gotten personal. One receptionist tearfully read a text that she received from her (soon to be former) husband.

My Dearest Love,

Now that the Gays can marry I'm leaving your skinny ass for your smokin'-hot sister with the tig-o-bitties.

Yours Truly,

Meanwhile in Minnesota, where same-sex marriage has been legal since July of 2013, unsubstantiated rumors coming out of the mansion of Michelle Bachmann tell of husband Marcus being overheard lamenting to himself, "Why the hell am I still married to this crazy woman?"

All over the country Americans are gearing themselves for the end of life as they know it, as millions of godless homosexuals line up at courthouses to receive marriage licenses. The Westboro Baptist Church has announced what they call a massive emergency recruiting drive (and what we call expeditious inbreeding) to bring in new members to picket funerals of Gays, soldiers, police, firefighters, old people, small children, and pets in an effort to spread their hatred. In Washington the Republican controlled congress is working on legislation to ban Gays from marrying livestock, pets, cars, and appliances. Because, you know, slippery slope.

Homeland security has placed the military on high alert because, "if we let the Gays marry, the terrorist will attack." FEMA has warned residents of red states to prepare for an increase in tornados, floods, earthquakes, locusts, flies, frogs, and other manner of pestilence resulting from God's wrath towards America. South Carolina trailer park resident Igot Noteath explains how he is preparing for the coming apocalypse.

That n---er in the White House, Obummer. He gonna let the homuhsexuls marry, then he gonna come in and take away all our guns and bibles. That's why I'm gathering the wife here -- Cousin' June -- and the 7 kids and puttin' 'em in the shelter. Got ev'rythin I need down there. Th' freeze dried turkey jerky I ordered from Glenn Beck. A bunch of semi-automatics in case the gubment come snoopin' round. Twenty cases of Mountain Dew, and a flat-screen TV tuned to FOX News so I can keep up on what's goin on in the great big beautiful world called Amuricuh.

Yes, dear citizens. This is the new America, where soon everyone will be able to marry the person they love regardless of gender. God help us all.

By now, dear reader, I hope you realize that what you've just read is merely my rather puerile attempt at satire, and that any similarity between the above and actual reality is purely coincidental, though for the FOX News crowd this is pretty much what passes.