Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Pat Robertson and the Selective Crazy of Faux-Christians

Ladies and gentlemen.  We now join our favorite crazy conservative uncle, Pat Robertson, already in progress...




We'll skip the obvious question of just why Pat Robertson is watching Gay couples kiss in the first place.  That's an analysis for another day.  Meanwhile, earlier in that day's program he began his now daily commute down Interstate Cray-Cray with this...
"[Homosexuality is] an offense; it's an abomination for a man to lie with a man as with a woman. That's what is says," Robertson said. "And those who do that in the Old Testament were stoned to death."
Now I don't know Pat Robertson personally, nor do I wish to.  However, through keen observation I believe I can say with a reasonable degree of certainty that Mr. Robertson is not Gay.  And frankly I praise God every day that I wake up secure in the knowledge that he is not Gay, and could never possibly be Gay.  I can also say with a reasonable degree of certainty that Mike Huckabee isn't Gay.  Antonin Scalia isn't Gay.  Michelle Bachmann isn't Gay.  Marcus Bachmann...uh...  Rick Santorum isn't Gay.  Sean Hannity isn't Gay.  Bill O'Reiley isn't Gay.  Rush Limbaugh isn't Gay.  Ann Coulter - in the strictest physical sense at least - isn't Gay.  While they all talk about Gay sex more than most Gay people I know, I do not believe that any of the people mentioned above are Gay.  In fact, statistically speaking, roughly 80-90% of this country isn't Gay.  This probably explains why faux-Christian conservatives love to harp on homosexuality as the end-all and be-all of sins.  After all, just about everyone in this country has committed every other sin laid out in the Bible, up to and including killing.  Granted, most of us have never killed another human being, but we have all killed at one point or another.  We've killed insects, plants, rodents, those of us who've fished or hunted have even killed animals. 

So, yes.  Most of us have killed.  However, most people are not homosexual.  Which is why right-wing haters love to bring up ol' Leviticus whenever they feel the need to justify their Gay hate.  After all, being Gay is the one sin that they could never commit.  But what these haters fail to realize is that Leviticus lists a whole gamut of sins that are punishable by death.  And worse, these are sins that most of us commit on a regular basis.  Here are just a few of Leviticus' most common Biblical capital offenses, along with the chapter and verse where they can be found.

  • Eating fat - 3:17
  • Not snitching - 5:1
  • Touching an unclean animal (which is rather vague to say the least) - 5:2
  • Nappy hair - 10:6
  • Torn clothing - 10:6
  • Public drinking - 10:9
  • Eating or touching rabbit or pig (which has to be horrible for your local rib joint) - 11:4-8
  • Eating or touching shellfish (the Westboro Baptist Church protests against Red Lobster should begin any day now) - 11:10-12
  • Eating dogs or cats (Republicans finally have something they can use to impeach Obama) - 11:27
  • Going to church within a month of giving birth to a boy, or two months after giving birth to a girl - 12:4,5
  • Having sex with a woman during her period (EWWW) - 18:19
  • Having sex with your neighbor's wife - 18:20
  • Reaping to the very edges of a field - 19:9
  • Picking up grapes that have fallen in your vineyard (5 second rule not withstanding) - 19:10
  • Stealing, lying - 19:11
  • Gossip - 19:16
  • Holding a grudge - 19:18
  • Wearing polyester - 19:19
  • Planting different seeds in the same field (otherwise know as GARDENING) - 19:19
  • Eating fruit from a tree within four years of planting it - 19:23
  • Astrology - 19:26
  • Shaving and haircuts - 19:27
  • Tattoos - 19:28
  • Consulting fortunetellers - 19:31
  • Not standing in the presence of the elderly - 19:32
  • Mistreating foreigners (Immigration reform, anyone?  Talkin' to you, GOP.) - 19:33,34
  • Cussing out your parents - 20:9
  • Slaughtering a cow or sheep and its young on the same day - 22:28
  • Working on Sunday - 23:3
  • Selling land (which explains why there are no priests in the real-estate business) - 25:23
And this is just Leviticus.  The Bible is full of sins that are punishable by death, as well as other rules, regulations, edicts, and pronouncements that most of us in this country (if not on the planet) are inclined to ignore.  This is because most of us are rather selective when it comes to the Bible.  No matter how pious we think ourselves, no matter how Christ-like we claim to be, we tend to heed the parts of the Bible that we're ok with, and dismiss those parts that are uncomfortable, or impractical in modern society, or are just plain illegal.  You know...like...STONING PEOPLE, or polygamy, or slavery, or child labor, or child beating, or wife-beating, or marrying off your under-aged daughter, or any of the wide variety of other practices that are ok in the Bible, but will land your holier-than-thou behind in jail if you actually practiced them.  This explains why America is not now, and has never been, a Christian nation.

So when you hear Pat Robertson, or any of the other haters bring up Leviticus in their arguments against homosexuality, just remember...this is all they have.  The homophobes in this country have been unable to come up with one reasonable, logical, rational, scientific, or legal argument against same-sex marriage, against overturning Proposition 8, against overturning DOMA or DADT, against Gay rights, against the LGBT community, or against homosexuality in general.  They have no argument because there is no argument.  All they have is the Bible, which they use to justify their homophobia, their bigotry, their sexism, their hatred of anyone who's not like them.  Fortunately, America is finally getting wise to this act, the pious hypocrisy, ignorance and fear that evangelicals like Robertson have been using for years to coax money and capitulation from their followers.  The haters are fighting a losing battle, and what you're hearing now is the last plaintive gasps of a quickly dying minority.  Closed minded old men (and women) who've cemented their power in their twisted interpretations of a Bible that they themselves find impossible to adhere to. 

But I will give this to Mr. Robinson.  Given some of the crap that you can find on social media today, a "vomit" button isn't necessarily a bad idea.